The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones
I make way too many Vecna jokes about Jamie Campbell Bower.
This movie has:
Vecna 🕰
Klaus from ☂ Academy
Cersei Lannister 👸🏼
and I guess Emily in Paris is here too 😒
13% on Rotten 🍅🍅
One guy even said it’s so bad he feels sorry for it. This is gonna be great!
Oh, you know that guy’s a demon because he wears eyeliner 👁️
Let me get this straight — Emily in Paris sees Vecna 🕰️ straight up murder someone in a bar, then decides to just hang out alone with him in an alley.
TBH, I get it. 🕰 ❤️🕰 ❤️🕰 ❤️ We’re all out here running up that hill after Stranger Things 4.
You know how Thobias in Arrested Development always misses the mark with his outfits? Like the time he accidentally cosplays as a leather daddy in one episode?
🥾 THAT is how they dress the demon characters who are also—wait for it—sometimes Rottweilers?
Cersei randomly drinks a magical potion, and I guess dies?
Now Emily is taking a definite murderer 🕰 to talk to her neighbor because her mother, Cersei, is “missing.”
Then she beats the hell out of friend-zoned Klaus because he startles her.
Logic would dictate that she should be taking Klaus to the neighbor, and being so startled by 🕰 that she hits him, but no.
Again, I get it.
We are ALL 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ up that hill, girl. Hawkins did fall… 🔥 IN LOVE 🔥
“DO YOU WANT TO SMELL MY DERRIÈRE?” angrily shouts a demon as he beats 👸🏼’s bf 🤣🤣🤣
Vecna 🕰 just killed two cops, and she’s like, “Yeah. I’m sticking with you.”
Finally! Voice of reason! ☂ Klaus: “Are you sure you want to go with him after all this?”
💥 Gestures at murders 💥
💅🏻 Emily’s like “Nah, I’m going with 🕰, the killer I just met, and I’m going to ignore my trustworthy BUT LESS HOT friend here.”
🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️ up that hill
🎹🎹🎹 aaaaaand if I onnnnnlyyyy cooooould 🎤
I’m noticing that all of the Shadowhunters have British accents. Is that part of the thing? You’re a hunter. Now talk like this 🏴
OH SNAP! It’s Jared Harris from Mad Men! You know he’s a hunter because: accent.
How can you become a Shadowhunter?
Talk posh, dress goth 🦇 and neck tattoos
The cup from Indiana Jones is floating around or something, and Emily has to find a hidden memory to locate it 🍷
Emily passes out, and draws like 4 circles in the dust in a trance. Vecna doodles over the dots, and says, “BANE. It spells BANE.”
Please let this be Batman Bane 🙏
Please let this be Batman Bane 🙏
Please let this be Batman Bane 🙏
NO! Bane is a magical pantsless guy (they never explain why he’s fully dressed ONLY from the waist up) with early 2000s guyliner who lives at what I guess is a magical creature rave?
Now they have to go to a 🧛♀️ hotel to rescue a suddenly kidnapped Klaus ☂
If Emily is the key to finding the sacred cup, why would they bring her on the 🧛 hotel mission? She’s not a Shadowhunter. She doesn’t even have a cool accent.
THE WORST TECHNO FIGHT SCENE IN THE HISTORY OF CINEMA 🍿
🕰 is playing a 🎹 and explaining that Bach was also a Shadowhunter, and this is a direct quote from the movie: “So Bach 🎼 is to demons as 🧄 is to vampires?”
$10 says they don’t revisit this.
They tried to do CGI fireflies, I think, but it looks like someone just dropped a bunch of ✨ emojis on the screen.
There’s a clock chiming, but instead of her body floating and her 🦴s breaking, a bunch flowers magically start blooming? What was the point of the chime?
Flower time? Flower chime? 🌸
🕰 has been sticking it to ☂ this whole movie putting moves on Emily in front of him, and our boy Klaus here just knocked over a notebook and stumbled on Emily’s thirsty pencil drawings of 🕰
When did she have time to do that?
Emily is wearing (completely normal) clothes borrowed from the Shadowhunters and everyone is…
*cue 90s 🎸 strumming*
Remember the scene in She’s All That? 💋 me beneath the milky twilight? That’s the reaction.
What’s the fit? Regular clothes, but with fingerless 🧤
Emily realizes that she and her mother have abilities that allow them to pull real items out of 🖼s.
She finds a tarot card in a demon house with the painting of the magical goblet, and instead of fleeing danger with the card—you know, so she can extract this goblet everyone is after at a safe location—she pulls the cup out of it in front of everyone 😒
Emily’s dad, suddenly alive and apparently the villain: “She [Emily] will be back. There’s someone here [🕰] she wants as much as her mother.”
🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️ ⬆️ THAT 🏔
Evil Jared Harris: “Lie. Tell her 🕰 is her brother. They’ll both be heartbroken.”
Here’s how they explain it to 🕰
🕰 says his surname is Wayland. They say it’s actually Morganston, like Emily.
How do they convince him? They pull a ring with the initial off of his finger and turn it UPSIDE DOWN.
“Look this W turns into an M. You’re related now. Sorry you’ve been making out with your sister.” 🤷♂️ 🤷
Presenting this without comment: “I’m a werewolf, not a golden retriever.”
You know those plastic 🧛♂️ teeth we all played with as kids? 90% sure those are what’s being used for half the creatures here.
I think Emily just kicked her dad through a portal?
Oh wait, the dad is reaching back out of the portal, but now it’s freezing? I’m so lost. Why is it snowing? Why and mostly HOW is Cersei here? How is the cup back in the tarot card? DID THESE TWO EVER RESOLVE WHETHER OR NOT THEY’RE RELATED.
They seemed to go, “Wow your dad turned out to be A: alive and B: evil, so I guess we’re probably not siblings? Let’s awkwardly ride off on 🏍
It’s a wonder that the sequel never happened!
This is a bit of a parody, and based on my personal perception of the film. Watch it for yourself to make your own determination. My views are my opinions, and my posts are humorous takes on how I see things.